Life's waiting to begin

A selection of quotes from "The Devil's Dictionary" by Ambrose Bierce: 1. BACKBITE, v.t. To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you. 2. BEAUTY, n. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband. 3. BELLADONNA, n. In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues. 4. BORE, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen. 5. BRIDE, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. 6. DIPLOMACY, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country. 7. FEMALE, n. One of the opposing, or unfair, sex. 8. GHOST, n. The outward and visible sign of an inward fear. 9. GRAVE, n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student. 10. GUILLOTINE, n. A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders with good reason.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris beard. There is only another fist. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, hes pushing the Earth down.  Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. Chuck Norris hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush. There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he t

Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand. He who refuses to forgive breaks the bridge over which he, too, must cross. To put the world in right order we must first put the nation in order; to put the nation in order, we must first put the family in order; to put the family in order, we must first cultivate our personal life; we must first set our hearts right. Forget injuries; never forget kindness. By three methods we may learn wisdom: first, by reflection, which is noblest; second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third, by experience, which is the most bitter. Life is really simple, but men insist on making it complicated. Be not ashamed of mistakes and thus make them crimes. Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves. It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop. Ignorance is the night of the mind, but a night without moon and star. Respect your

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled. And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14. So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Ranch Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast. God then said, "I have sent yo

Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly. "Why are you crying?" Bob asked. "I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill. "So? Are you afraid?" "No. For the blood test, they cut my finger. As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely. Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?" To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

No man is justified in doing evil on the ground of expediency. - Franklin D. Roosevelt Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence. - Carl Sagan There is a road from the eye to the heart that does not go through the intellect. - G.K. Chesterton Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. - Aldous Huxley The difference between false memories and true ones is the same as for jewels: it is always the false ones that look the most real, the most brilliant. - Salvador Dali I fear nothing, I hope for nothing, I am free. - Nikos Kazantzakis Power does not corrupt. Fear corrupts... perhaps the fear of a loss of power. - John Steinbeck The satiated man and the hungry one do not see the same thing when they look upon a loaf of bread. - Rumi It seldom happens that any felicity comes so pure as not to be tempered and allayed by some mixture of sorrow. - Miguel de Cervantes There is a field beyond all notions of right and wrong. Come, meet me there. - Rumi To find a person who wil

Nebraska - Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada - Prostitutes and Poker! New Hampshire - Go Away And Leave Us Alone New Jersey - You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here! New Mexico - Lizards Make Excellent Pets New York - You Have The Right To Remain Silent; You Have The Right To An Attorney... North Carolina - Tobacco Is A Vegetable North Dakota - We Really Are One Of The 50 States! Ohio - At Least We're Not Michigan Oklahoma - Like The Play, But No Singing Oregon - Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner Pennsylvania - Cook With Coal Rhode Island - Were Not REALLY An Island South Carolina - Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet South Dakota - Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee - The Edyoocashun State Texas - Se Hablo Ingles Utah - Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus Vermont - Ay, Yep Virginia - Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington - We Have More Rain Than You Do West Virginia - One Big

Alabama - Heck Yes, We Have Electricity. Alaska - 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! Arizona - But Its A Dry Heat. Arkansas - Literacy Aint Everything. California - By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda. Colorado - If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother. Connecticut - Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet. Delaware - We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water. Florida - Ask Us About Our Grandkids, and Home Of The Early Bird Special Georgia - We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism. Hawaii - Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money) Idaho - More Than Just Potatoes... Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good Illinois - Please, Dont Pronounce the "S" Indiana - 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free Iowa - We Do Amazing Things With Corn Kansas - First Of The Rectangle States Kentucky - Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names Louisiana - Were Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy`s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy`s a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.

A wise woman, who was traveling in the mountains, found a very precious and very rare stone in a stream. The next day she met another traveler who was hungry, and the wise woman opened her bag to share her food. The hungry traveler saw the precious stone and asked the woman to give it to him. She did so without hesitation. The traveler left, rejoicing in his good fortune. He knew the stone was worth enough to give him security for a lifetime. But, a few days later, he came back to return the stone to the wise woman. "I've been thinking," he said. "I know how valuable this stone is, but I give it back in the hope that you can give me something even more precious. Give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me this stone."

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we have no bread." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!" Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!" Duck says: "Got any nails?" Barman says: "No" Duck says: "Got any bread?

man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose. The doctor asks him what happened. "Well," says the man, "I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball." "And?" asked the doctor. "Well," the man said, "that's when I lifted the cow's tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, 'Hey, honey this one here looks like yours!'"

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race begin?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind began with His creation.' Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.' The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they evolved from monkeys?'  The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'

13) When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant." 12) Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux." 11) Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick." 10) Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea." 9) Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese. 8) When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, t

"I drink your milkshake!" -Daniel Plainview, from There Will Be Blood "I drink your milkshake, even though I opposed drinking your milkshake four years ago." -Mitt Romney "I drink your milkshake, but only if the Bible says it`s allowed." -Mike Huckabee "I may drink your milkshake for another 100 years, if that`s what it takes." -John McCain "I drank a milkshake on 9/11." -Rudy Giuliani "I'll drink your milkshake a few months after everyone else does." -Fred Thompson "I drink your milkshake, but I`m paying for it with gold." -Ron Paul "America deserves a new milkshake." -Barack Obama "I will fight the corporations so that you can drink your own milkshake." -John Edwards "I have 35 years of milkshake-drinking experience. *sob* " -Hillary Clinton "I peacefully drink your milkshake." -Dennis Kucinich "It depends on what your definition of "milkshake" is." -B