Life's waiting to begin

A farmer walks into an attorneys office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asks, May I help you? The farmer says, Yeah. I want to get one of those dee-vorces. The attorney asks, Well, do you have any grounds? The farmer replies, Yeah. I got about 140 acres. The attorney says, No, you dont understand. Do you have a case? The farmer says, No, I dont have a Case, but I have a John Deere. The attorney says, No you dont understand, I mean do you have a grudge? The farmer says, Yeah, I got a grudge. Thats where I park my John Deere. The attorney says, No, sir, I mean do you have a suit? The farmer says, Yessir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays. The exasperated attorney says, Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything? The farmer says, No, sir, we both get up about 4:30. Finally, the attorney asks, Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE? And the farmer replies, Well, I cain't never have a meaningful conversation with her!

Georgia, a friend of my wife's, was recently divorced and trying to raise her two sons when the Gulf War broke out. She heard about soldiers in the service who had no family and needed pen pals. Letters addressed to "Any Soldier" were distributed by commanding officers who noticed any soldiers getting little or no mail. Georgia wrote to 25 such soldiers almost daily, most of them men. Keeping up with 25 pen pals on a daily basis almost consumed Georgia's time and talents. She sent poems, little stories, and words of hope and encouragement. When there were time constraints, she would write one letter and copy it for everyone. Greetings were sent whenever she knew about a special event, like a birthday. One day, Georgia received a letter from a soldier that was depressed and discouraged. She pondered as to how she could help lift his spirits. It was then that she noticed that at work there were paper clips of various colors. Georgia took one of the yellow paper clips an

Once upon a time, there was an island where all feelings lived Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others including Love. One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so all repaired their boats and left. Love was the only one who stayed. Love wanted to persevere until the last possible moment. When the island was almost sinking, Love decided to ask for help. Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said, "Richness, can you take me with you?" Richness answered, "No, I can't. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you." Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel. "Vanity, please help me!" "I can't help you Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat," Vanity answered. Sadness was close by so Love asked for help, "Sadness, let me Go with you." "Oh...Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!" Happiness passe

Every year, English teachers from across the country submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are some of the winners. 1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. 2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. 3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 4. She grew on him like a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. 5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. 6. Her

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I was taking it out or putting it away." The second lady said, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs, and I can't remember whether I was on my up, or on my way down." The third lady chimed in, "Well, I'm glad I don't have those problems. Knock on wood." With that, she rapped her knuckles on the table, then said, "That must be the door. I'll get it."

Always aim higher than you believe you can reach. So often, you'll discover that when your talents are set free by your imagination, you can achieve any goal. If people offer their help or wisdom as you go through life, accept it gratefully. You can learn much from those who have gone before you. But never be afraid or hesitant to step off the accepted path and head off in your own direction if your heart tells you that it's the right way for you. Always believe that you will ultimately succeed at whatever you do, and never forget the value of persistence, discipline, and determination. You are meant to be whatever you dream of becoming.

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?" The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95." The amazed father asks: 'It's how much?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?' The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, and one of Ken's Friends...

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So, take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin!

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. (2)Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. (3)Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. (4)Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! (5)Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.) (6)That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for y

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers. "We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper. "Tell me! Did you find her?!" Wilkens shouted. The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first." The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ." "Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her." Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what'

The baby is teething, the children are fighting, and my husband just called and said to eat dinner without him. Okay, one of these days you'll shout, "Why don't you grow up and act your age?" .. and they will. Or, "You guys get outside and find yourself something to do and don't slam the door." .. and they won't. You'll straighten up their bedrooms all neat and tidy with bumper stickers discarded, bed-spread tucked and smoothed, toys all displayed on the shelves, hangers in the closets, animals caged, and you'll say out loud, "Now I want you to stay this way!" . and they will. Then you'll prepare a perfect dinner with a salad that hasn't been picked to death, a cake with no finger traces through the frosting, and you'll say, "Now there's a meal for company." . but you'll eat it alone. And you'll say, "I want complete privacy on the phone! No dancing around, no pantomimes, no demolition crews! S

16. I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. 17. I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. 18. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. you couldn't park anywhere near the place. 19. I was at this restaurant. the sign said "breakfast anytime." so I ordered french toast in the Renaissance. 20. I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. 21. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. 22. I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. 23. I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. 24. I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose. 25. I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. 26. I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. 27. If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? 28. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown

1. A lot of people are afraid of heights. not me, i'm afraid of widths. 2. Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. 3. Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while i was a suspect. 4. Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. 5. For my birthday i got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... i put them in the same room and let them fight it out. 6. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk. 7. How young can you die of old age? 8. I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. 9. I have an answering machine in my car. it says, i'm home now. But leave a message and i'll call when i'm out. 10. I have an existential map. it has 'you are here' written all over it. 11. I have the world's largest collection of seashells. i keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it. 12. I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me a

 Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories. - John Wilmot You don't really understand human nature unless you know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at his parents every time around - and why his parents will always wave back. - William D. Tammeus All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his. - Oscar Wilde, Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother. - Oprah Winfrey Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn't have anything to do with it. - Haim Ginott Are we not like two volumes of one book? - Marceline Desbordes-Valmore It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn't. - Barbara Kingsolver Children are a great comfort in your old age - and they help you reach it faster, too. - Lionel Kauffman There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it. - Chinese Proverb Setting a

Remember that behind every successful woman...is a basket of dirty laundry. A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after. - Peter De Vries My mother gave me a bumblebee pin when I started work. She said: "Aerodynamically, bees shouldn't be able to fly. But they do. Remember that." - Jill E. Barad A Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but mean your mother. - Anon An ounce of mother is worth a pound of clergy. - Spanish Proverb Women's Liberation is just a lot of foolishness. It's the men who are discriminated against. They can't bear children. And no one's likely to do anything about that. - Golda Meir Mother love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible. - Marion C. Garretty To describe my mother would be to write about a hurricane in its perfect power. - Maya Angelou No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for signs of improvement. - Florida Scot

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant. Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt an

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They faxed. They e-mailed. They e-mailed with attachments. They downloaded. They did spreadsheets! They wrote reports. They created labels and cards. They created charts and graphs. They did some genealogy reports They did every job known to man. Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld

A selection of quotes from "The Devil's Dictionary" by Ambrose Bierce: 11. HEARSE, n. Death's baby-carriage. 12. IMPUNITY, n. Wealth. 13. KILL, v.t. To create a vacancy without nominating a successor. 14. MISFORTUNE, n. The kind of fortune that never misses. 15. OUTDO, v.t. To make an enemy. 16. PEACE, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. 17. RIOT, n. A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders. 18. RUMOR, n. A favorite weapon of the assassins of character. 19. SAINT, n. A dead sinner revised and edited. 20. SELFISH, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.